June 12, 2007
Cutting Slack on Friendship
A Good Friendship Back when I was still living abroad, I had a good friendship with a guy who showed me unqualified kindness. I can't say he was my best friend, but he was definitely a good friend whom I put in high regard. And like how I am with all my friends (there aren't really a lot of them), he's someone I'd go the distance with, someone I'd be fiercely loyal to and someone
famly to me.
Just Chilling Out Having a friend is new ground for me. Like random connections in an arbitrary universe, they are few and far in between. As friendly as I am (even to complete strangers), all I'm looking for is an acquaintance I can chill-out and hang-out with while the moment lasts; friend seems too much a luxury, but if it happens, then hey, cool.
Curve Ball As with most things in life, just when you think you had something all figured out, life throws you a curve ball. Our friendship was hit hard with that; something none of us was at fault with, but nonetheless, left an indelible scar. He was more resilient, offering to piece things back. My survival instinct got the better of me. I walked away.
An Axiom by Email With the deluge of things being passed around the internet by acquaintances, I received a list of well-meaning axioms:
- Do not offend and judge other people according to how their relatives behave
- Speak slowly, but think quickly
- When you say ”I am sorrry", look into the eyes of that person
- blah...blah...blah....
As I was going down the list, one line caught my attention:
- Do not let a small misunderstanding ruin a great friendship
That hit a chord. It resonated and brought about a feeling of discomfort thinking about the friendship that was...and how I just walked away. I still come across that saying from time to time and I'm always reminded of a viable friendship that died needlessly, even though neither was to blame. Yeah, it still weighed heavy on me.
A friendship rooted in markers is a different story. I'd trash that in a heartbeat. That's how it will always be for me. But to walk away from a good friendship?
The Put-Down In recent time, it came to my ears that a friend, whom I've had genuine affection to, someone I've even defended against misplaced comments by others, was actually putting me down. It didn't matter if what was said against me was even true. Friends simply don't put down friends. Of course I was pissed. I began seeing the familiar red flag. The survival instinct was once again kicking in, prompting me to move on.
Deja Vu Something unusual happened. Instead of walking away like I would normally do, I decided against being reactive. I didn't want the small hurt episode to happen all over again, without at least a closer scrutiny. Is the friendship still viable? While the put-down was meant to undermine, perhaps it wasn't malicious...perhaps it was borne out of carelessness. I'd been guilty of that myself many times in the past.
Moreover, I had to look beyond my ego. Walking away would only exacerbate whatever tension was needlessly created and adversely affect the little community I was in. Is it baggage I don't really need or am I just taking the easy way out? The anger I felt was actually a veiled hurt, albeit a small one; hardly big enough to walk away from. I'm on the fence but it's better than not being there.
Ending Thoughts Friends come and go like people on a revolving door. Like fresh milk, its shelf life is finite, although it doesn't necessarily have to mean short. When its time comes, it usually means it's also time to move on. Yeah, there are more magnificent lives to be encountered just around the bend. This has proven valid on more occasions than I have fingers to count them with.
The caveat though, is to catch myself when it gets too easy.
By staying, I don't know if I was simply made to conform to a given reality out of pragmatism. I'd like to believe however, that I'm beginning to go beyond the little insignificant things that loom bigger than they really are. Friendship doesn't happen everyday. Every once in a while, it needs slack too. The good ones are definitely worth saving.
--- TheLoneRider
Comments? Email webmaster@thelonerider.com
A Yogini (June 12, 2007) Congratulations for taking the courage to grow. I have faith in TheLoneRider that he will continue to not only recognize but constantly BE that spark of divinity in him... capable of all the beauty that he is.
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