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lucid thoughts

March 7, 2003 Friday

Honor What the Body is Saying

It's been nearly a month since I started my "reach 140 lbs." program. I have floored at 143 in the last week despite long and intense cardio, no sweets and daily workouts. At this point, I have to stop the program and honor what my body is saying: that I am already optimized at this weight level (more like fitness level). I'm just glad I was able to push the limits of mind and body to reveal where the edge lies.

I was reminded of Assata, the fitness coordinator at the gym, who regularly does 3 classes in a day (eg. spinning, step class, weight training), who eats carefully measured food and who's already totally ripped. I asked her what she'd have to do if she wanted to lose 3 more lbs. She gave me a look of astonishment and remarked, "I don't have the slightest clue". And it's not surprising. Does it mean she now has to do 4 back-to-back classes? Or lessen her already minimal food intake? Where would the 3 lbs. come from anyway if there's hardly any fat to begin with? Muscle mass? ....horrors!!!!

Moth by a Flame

A friend whom I've dichotomized into myth and person, invited me for a quick beer. A one-on-one conversation with her is so engaging, it's intoxicating - and I'm not even talking about the beer. Not surprisingly, our talk deepens with intimacy. I was rediscovering the beauty I've always known to be there...but this time, with wariness. We can't small talk...we've already established that as a fact. And this is the scary part. In attempting small talk as our regular selves (doing things on an arms-length basis), which invariable gravitates to an intimate conversation, I can unknowingly slide myself into a 'moment' and be left hanging and twisting in the wind...not unlike a moth lured by the warmth of a candle light and gets too close, it burns itself. This has happened before and there's no sign it's not going to happen again. Ironic. I live for moments and here I am fearful a moment might spontaneously happen. I hold back, she holds back, and it's blue balls. Something has to be done.

We talked about a radical way of addressing this dilemma: summoning our "bigger selves" (think: Murdock transforming into The Dare Devil) - La Femme Agnieszka and TheLoneRider, to pursue the abbreviated moments without the stops that we as our regular selves have imposed. In fact, as La Femme Agnieszka and TheLoneRider emerge, both of us will gradually disappear until we no longer exist...while the moment ensues.

Back in the real world, we can once more interact conventionally on an arms-length basis, perhaps just awaiting the moment when the bigger selves are summoned once more to let the magic happen all over again. This is such a radically surreal concept that begs to be explored - definitely new ground and I'm curious where this will take us.

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