July 27, 2013
Rest In Peace
Location: Davao City
Coming to Davao to attend to my mother's final resting place brought mixed feelings. When I was kid, I remember crying thinking that at some point, my parents would die. Now, the dreaded moment has happened and I didn't even shed a tear...not during the final days when her life was inevitably coming to a close. How ungrateful could a son possibly be? Being a parent is a thankless job. Here's my Mom, who despite her shortcomings (don't we all?), was unwavering in her love for family, me included. I was just too full of myself...too focused on what I didn't like about her. That was all I could see in the last few years. Now at her wake, people came and had only good words to say about her. They were all saying the same good things so I know it wasn't just for polite talk. Besides, I still knew my Mom. Those words were true - that she was kind and generous. I remember as a child, she would divide the sack of rice she gets monthly from San Miguel for distribution to her siblings. During a tragedy, she would spearhead intitiatives to distribute relief goods. And they were sincere. She was always there for her siblings. She was all about family....a concept I increasingly alienated myself from through the passing years.
As her ashes were being laid to rest and the hole in the ground was being filled, I was full of "I could have done this" and "I could have done that". There were so many things I could have done to make things right. But again, I could not. I was too proud, too unforgiving, too dismissive...like I said, too full of myself to see what else is around me.
Mom, yes, I really wish things were better for us. But I was too small to transcend my own petty insignificance. As you rest in peace, I now have to struggle with my own issues. Hopefully I can make it right for those who are still around me. Through your death, I see a rebirth for me with what family is all about. I am now closer to your siblings...my Titas and my Titos, who have done nothing but open their doors for me in full acceptance of my flaws despite the cold shoulder I gave them in the passing years. Through your examples, I come closer to family...the same ones you extended yourself selflessly until your final days.
Rest in peace Mommy.
(Sep 14, 2013) You make me cry.
July 27, 2013
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